We are joining forces with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters and Erica Chapman in critiquing the first 250 words of manuscripts of the lucky 60 people who signed up for the After the Madness Workshop.
YAtopians Sarah Nicolas, Kelley York, Sharon Johnston and Leigh Fallon have taken on a few workshop submission each to provide some feedback on the opening paragraphs. We'd love it if you'd add your thoughts (constructive criticism only please) and visit the other critiquers blogs to provide more feedback on the other work submitted:
ORIGINAL:
The dark rind of dried blood wasn’t coming out from under my fingernails no matter how hard I scrubbed. I finally grabbed a paper towel to turn off the faucet and push open the graffiti-coated door.
The wooden dowel the gas-station owner used to manage his bathroom key was shoved into my back pocket. The teller was reading Busty Babes in the Bedroom, his eyes glossy as he turned the page. I dropped the key on the counter, biting back my “In your dreams” comment—I didn’t want him remembering me. Turning, I nearly ran into the cop sauntering up to the counter, coffee in hand.
I forced a small smile of apology and stepped aside.
Keep calm. She’s not here for you. No way the cops here had any idea to look for me so far from home. Not yet.
The stolen BMW out back was a different story. Was she just waiting for me to return to it so she could pick me up? Had she even seen it back there?
I tried to walk slowly as I exited the store, though my feet wanted to take off sprinting. I went the opposite direction from the beamer, rounding the other side of the garage and ducking behind the gated off area housing a propane tank by the wall of the store. The cop’s car sat out front and I could just make out the edge of its back bumper.
Taking two deep breaths, I forced myself to calm down.
WITH COMMENTARY:
The dark rind of dried blood wasn’t coming out from under my fingernails no matter how hard I scrubbed. ((Good opening line!)) I finally grabbed a paper towel to turn off the faucet and push open the graffiti-coated door.
The wooden dowel the gas-station owner used to manage his the gas station bathroom key was shoved into my back pocket. The teller was reading Busty Babes in the Bedroom, his eyes glossy as he turned the page. I dropped the key on the counter, biting back my “In your dreams” comment—I didn’t want him remembering me. Turning, I nearly ran into the cop sauntering up to the counter, coffee in hand. ((Okay. So, I like this paragraph and what it implies, but think it could be restructured to help with repetition. The 'in your dreams' comment is pretty good because it helps imply our MC is female, but I think that could be done a little differently. "Back in the gas station, the teller was reading Busty Babes in the Bedroom, his eyes glossy as he turned the page. I pulled the wooden dowel used to manage the bathroom key from my back pocket and deposited it on the counter without a word, not wanting to draw attention to myself. I didn't want him to remember the girl who came in with the bloody fingernails driving the stolen BMW." Or, you know, something. It's a good point to give us a tiny bit of insight into our narrator and if anything else is 'off' about her; her state of dress, looking tired, panicked, frazzled, what have you.))
I forced a small smile of apology and stepped aside.
Keep calm. She’s not here for you. No way the cops here had any idea to look for me so far from home. Not yet.
The stolen BMW out back was a different story. Was she just waiting for me to return to it so she could pick me up? Had she even seen it back there?
I tried to walk slowly as I exited the store, though my feet wanted to take off sprinting. I went the opposite direction from the beamer, rounding the other side of the garage and ducking behind the gated off area housing a propane tank by the wall of the store. The cop’s car sat out front and I could just make out the edge of its back bumper. ((Good, but could be smoothed a bit. A lot of words for what could be summed up in much fewer. "I exited the store as slowly as I could, heading the opposite direction from the beamer, around the corner of the building, where I ducked behind a fenced-off propane tank."))
Taking two deep breaths, I forced myself to calm down. ((I like this, and it would make me want to read more. I'm curious to know why she showed up at a gas station in a stolen car with blood under her nails. Just smooth some of the writing a bit. Take out any unnecessary words, and restructure sentences and paragraphs so everything flows smoothly. Read out loud; I find that helps for finding awkward phrases and words that don't sound quite right!))
Talk about action! Great start :)
ReplyDeleteI agree this is a great start. I also think Kelley's comments definitely add to it.
ReplyDeleteI was very impressed. This gives goos tension, and lets us see a bit about the mc. I agree with the above critique, clean up the sentence structure just a bit....but the plot and pace are very good. I would maybe add one or two sentences with more voice. We know what's happening, but I have seen how gaga agents go for voice.
ReplyDeleteMaybe when she almost bumps into the cop you could add something like---
'Great! I might as well have tattooed 'murderer' across my face. Only I could manage to side line a cop in the middle of tumble-weed America.'
(I'm weak in the voice category...so I'm not much help. But just to give you a example, I'm sure you can come up with something better than me :) --Good luck :)
Thanks everyone for your awesome comments! This is still on the rough side, but you've really helped me see where I can spruce it up :)
ReplyDelete