First 250 Words Work Shop: #Y3 - Susan Lyons

We are joining forces with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters and Erica Chapman in critiquing the first 250 words of manuscripts of the lucky 60 people who signed up for the After the Madness Workshop.

YAtopians Sarah Nicolas, Kelley York, Sharon Johnston and Leigh Fallon have taken on a few workshop submission each to provide some feedback on the opening paragraphs. We'd love it if you'd add your thoughts (constructive criticism only please) and visit the other critiquers blogs to provide more feedback on the other work submitted:

Brenda Drake
Shelley Watters
Erica Chapman

Time to get into it.

#Y3 - Susan Lyons

Original
We took the interstate up the Massachusetts coast, on our way to hunt aliens in small-town America.

While my partner Gabriel drove, I rode shotgun in the back, a modified Remington semi-automatic on the seat beside me. At the first sign of trouble, I’d be ready.

He yelled something from the front seat, but I couldn’t hear because the soundtrack from Independence Day blasted on my iPod. I liked dramatic music when we were hunting.

I removed my earbuds. “What?”

“We’re almost there.” He pointed to the GPS screen on the dashboard. He had FM satellite radio tuned to a jazz station out of New Orleans. Our musical tastes clashed, like pretty much everything else about us. “Just making sure you’re ready, in case someone tipped them off.”

I pumped my shotgun and smiled at his reflection in the rear view mirror. “Locked and loaded.”

He shook his head. Gabriel thought it was wrong for someone my age –especially a girl – to be a hunter, but even he had to admit we were important to the war effort.

I stuffed a handful of bullets in my vest pocket. The genegineers made me a crack shot, which came in handy when going up against aliens – 'pods' as we called them. The neural connections in their human hosts were faster than normal. Too fast for the average human.

Luckily, I wasn’t average.

While Gabriel sat in the driver’s seat with one arm out the open window, the wind blowing his dark hair around, I checked my shotgun.

We took the interstate up the Massachusetts coast, on our way to hunt aliens in small-town America. Nice opening sentence. It could possible be reworded to be a bit stronger though. Like a statement about the hunt to come, something like that - a really strong hook.  

While my partner Gabriel drove, I rode shotgun in the back, a modified Remington semi-automatic on the seat beside me. At the first sign of trouble, I’d be ready.

He yelled something from the front seat, but I couldn’t hear because the soundtrack from Independence Day blasted on my iPod. I liked dramatic music when we were hunting. Be careful about over using words - you use hunt/er/ing, shotgun and Gabriel a lot in this short space of writing.

I removed my earbuds. “What?”

“We’re almost there.” He pointed to the GPS screen on the dashboard. He had FM satellite radio tuned to a jazz station out of New Orleans. Our musical tastes clashed, like pretty much everything else about us. “Just making sure you’re ready, in case someone tipped them off.”

I pumped my shotgun and smiled at his reflection in the rear view mirror. “Locked and loaded.”

He shook his head. Gabriel thought it was wrong for someone my age –especially a girl – to be a hunter, but even he had to admit we were important to the war effort.

I stuffed a handful of bullets in my vest pocket. The genegineers made me a crack shot, which came in handy when going up against aliens – 'pods' as we called them. The neural connections in their human hosts were faster than normal. Too fast for the average human person.

Luckily, I wasn’t average. Intriguing

While Gabriel sat in the driver’s seat with one arm out the open window We already know he's in the driver's seat, you don;t need to repeat what we already know, the wind blowing his dark hair around, I checked my shotgun weapon. - though actually that feels a bit repeatitive to what she's just done.

I'm drawn in by the concept, but I think this could be made a lot stronger. There's some scenery missing, sights, smells. There's also repetition, which needs to be avoided. Be careful not to repeat actions and descriptions. You give us nice background on the situation - alien invasion with humans hunting them down. It did jar a little bit for me that it's war (which conjurs up a battle scenario) and yet the aliens seem to be hiding in plain sight. But this may be something you explain later on. Overall I enjoyed it.