First 250 Words Work Shop: #Y10 - Geila Jones

We are joining forces with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters and Erica Chapman in critiquing the first 250 words of manuscripts of the lucky 60 people who signed up for the After the Madness Workshop.

YAtopians Sarah Nicolas, Kelley York, Sharon Johnston and Leigh Fallon have taken on a few workshop submission each to provide some feedback on the opening paragraphs. We'd love it if you'd add your thoughts (constructive criticism only please) and visit the other critiquers blogs to provide more feedback on the other work submitted:

Brenda Drake
Shelley Watters
Erica Chapman

Time to get into it.

#Y10 - Geila Jones:

Original

Darkness.

It can leave you eternally mad or if your lucky, forever enchanted – for when there is an absence of light, the imaginings of the mind flirt with unseen things. There lies the danger.

The mind has no boundaries, no shape. And it can expand far past the physical constraints of the brain. When that happens, legends are born.

The creature was a bit of both, part vampire, part magickal being. Deadly and beautiful. Human and otherworldly. Embracing the night. Tolerating the day, blending in with the spectrum of light, visible at odd angles and to only those who truly believed in things beyond their earthly perceptions.

He stood, as quiet as the moon in all her celestial beauty. He wasn’t unlike the night goddess, glowing like a gem set in the night sky. He was radiant in his own way, his diamond cut eyes, his satin soft wings, shimmering with a deep unearthly gleam. For the moment, the moon, the only one who could spark his total transformation, was on the side-lines – a rarity in itself. He was staring up, his nocturnal eyes locked on Nina’s mind, pushing him into a dream-like state, odd for someone so powerful. He could see her clearly, even though she was sitting at her desk and the blinds down. He was not just watching, he was protecting his own.

The night sky was blossoming like the dark petals of a purple orchid, slow and soft. It purned his mind even more.

 

WITH KELLEY'S COMMENTARY:

Darkness.  

It can leave you eternally mad or, if you're lucky, forever enchanted – for when there is an absence of light, the imaginings of the mind flirt with unseen things. There lies the danger.

The mind has no boundaries, no shape. And it can expand far past the physical constraints of the brain. When that happens, legends are born. ((This feels like some sort of prologue at this point. I'm not getting a sense for any character or voice.))

The creature was a bit of both, part vampire, part magickal being. Deadly and beautiful. Human and otherworldly. Embracing the night. Tolerating the day, blending in with the spectrum of light, visible at odd angles and to only those who truly believed in things beyond their earthly perceptions. ((Neat, but there's no emotion in this. I'd rather have someone be seeing this creature and relating their reaction to seeing it.))

He stood, as quiet as the moon in all her celestial beauty. He wasn’t unlike the night goddess, glowing like a gem set in the night sky. He was radiant in his own way, his diamond cut eyes, his satin soft wings, shimmering with a deep unearthly gleam. For the moment, the moon, the only one who could spark his total transformation, was on the side-lines – a rarity in itself. ((So, this is very, very omniscient 3^rd person writing. Unless this guy thinks of himself as deadly, beautiful, radiant, with diamond-cut eyes, etc. While this kind of writing can be done and done well, I've yet to see it handled in any recent YA stories because it's a very distant form of narration. Generally in YA books, you want to be right in the character's head, either with a 1^st person POV, or a very close 3^rd person.)) He stared up, his nocturnal eyes locked on Nina’s mind, pushing him into a dream-like state, odd for someone so powerful. He could see her clearly, even though she was sitting at her desk and the blinds down. He was not just watching, he was protecting his own. ((So we have Nina. Okay. Can we instead be witnessing this from Nina's POV somehow? It would give us a much stronger sense of voice than this distant POV we have now.))

The night sky was blossoming like the dark petals of a purple orchid, slow and soft. It purned ((I have no idea what this word is.)) his mind even more. ((A case of lovely poetic writing, but lacking a real focus, direction, or voice. The narration is very distant so I have no idea about either of these characters. How they feel, who they are. This reads very much like a sort of prologue and I'm expecting it to eventually slide into Nina's POV. (Am I wrong about this, though?) If that is the case, I would axe this and start there. Start with the conflict.))