Sunday, October 28, 2012

YAtopia Relaunch: Ryan

Last but certainly not least, on this day where we celebrate the winner of the YAtopia relaunch giveaway is a little look into the mind of Ryan Greenspan.

See that card there? Yeah, it's official. Like it or not-- I'm a citizen!  But it didn't come without some strangeness. The citizenship interview was like nothing I experienced before. But I guess weirdness follows the weird. Before the immigration agent--Jonathon was his name-- handed me my card, he had the most interesting series of questions.

AGENT JONATHON: You're from Canada, right? 

RYAN: Yes, it says so right there on my card.

AGENT JONATHON: Never mind the card! Let’s say a giant moose race took over Canada!

RYAN: What? How is that relevant?

AGENT JONTAHON: Their evil Moose Overlord (Lord Monty) passed a law granting each citizen the work of only one author to read for the rest of their lives! Which author would you choose?!

RYAN: Err, um, I'd have to say Roald Dahl. His writing has really influenced me. He speaks directly to the child in all of us. That's what I hope to do with my writing too.

AGENT JONATHON: Touching. But, Ryan! Think fast! The peanut butter & jelly uprising has begun! 

RYAN: Can I speak to another agent, please?

AGENT JONATHON: No time! Sandwiches across the nation are attacking their makers! No one is safe! What is your plan to combat this lunchtime epidemic!? Will you save us?!

RYAN: Is this for real?

AGENT JONATHON: Yes! They're right outside this door!

RYAN: In that case, I tell you to quickly barricade the door. We take off our clothes and stuff them underneath (bread can slip under doors, you know). I ask you, "What's a piece of bread's worst enemy?" You stare blankly, being just an agent and not a creative dynamo such as myself. A light bulb goes off (in my head)-- a toaster oven! But we'd need one big enough. "Arm yourself!" I say  and toss you a butter knife, which I conveniently keep in my pocket. We fight our way through the throngs of rabid, jelly-salivating menaces, and make it outside. There we lure them into the world's largest makeshift toaster oven, which you radioed ahead to be constructed using a Wal-Mart and super-heated lighting fixtures. We lock them inside and watch them get nice and toasty. Their screams are a relief to us. The evil lunch snacks beg and plead, but we don't listen. After the last agonizing murmur is snuffed, we celebrate with cheers and a hearty meal of, you guessed it, PB&J. We then ship the remaining sandwiches across the globe, ending the world's hunger problem.

AGENT JONATHON: You've saved us! A clever one, aren't you? Perhaps even worthy of having your life story published. 

RYAN: I try, I guess. My life isn't that special. Not yet anyway. I write middle-grade, play hockey, cook vegetarian, and am obsessed with superheroes. Not much of a life story yet.

AGENT JONATHON: Nonsense. As writers and readers, we all follow trails of consonants and vowels that lead us to sentences. With each sentence comes a paragraph; with each paragraph comes a page; thus, our stories are born. What would your life story be called and who would write it?

RYAN: Hmm, let's see. Without a doubt, Lewis Carroll would write my life story. It would be a nonsensical adventure story about a strange boy's indecisive wanderings through the murky waters of young adulthood. It would be called: "The Adventures of a Boy Who Can't Relax".

AGENT JONATHON: A best-seller no doubt. You're doing really well. We're almost done! But here's a curve-ball for you. Say you’re walking along; it’s a cool and sunny day. Suddenly, you trip! With a little knock on the head your imagination escapes from your ear. Where would you likely find the little rascal hiding?

RYAN:  It would probably flee to my favourite place in Canada, the place that inspired me so greatly when I spent time there a couple years ago: in the Rocky Mountains of Banff, Alberta. It's an oasis of beauty, serenity, creativity. There's scope for imagination there for sure. An imagination could go absolutely wild in that place.

AGENT JONATHON: A truly remarkable image. But to keep you on your toes--look out! They’re back! Long forgotten stories have come back to torment their authors! What are some harsh words your first works may have for you?

RYAN: They'd probably ask, "What took you so long?" They'd wonder why I wasn't working on them instead of browsing the Internet or watching TV. You see, like many writers, I have a procrastination problem.

AGENT JONATHON: I see, well we can't all be perfect, can we? 

RYAN: No one is perfect. So, are we done here?

AGENT JONATHON: I had question about your first novel getting into a fight with Twilight and its weapon of choice, but I think you've done more than enough to prove you'll fit in splendidly in YAtopia. Welcome to your new home!

RYAN: Thanks! As for your question though--my first novel would have an arsenal on Twilight. To name a few: imagination, well-developed characters, engaging prose, a well-crafted plot... I could go on and on and on. Twilight wouldn't stand a chance.


To read more of Ryan's YAtopia contributions, drop by the blog every 22nd of the month or click on his name on the right. You can also check out his other blog at or follow him on Twitter @TheHeraldRyanG.

1 comment:

  1. That Agent sounds like quite the catch!

    Unique interview, Ryan! ;)