We are joining forces with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters and Erica Chapman in critiquing the first 250 words of manuscripts of the lucky 60 people who signed up for the After the Madness Workshop.
YAtopians Sarah Nicolas, Kelley York, Sharon Johnston and Leigh Fallon have taken on a few workshop submission each to provide some feedback on the opening paragraphs. We'd love it if you'd add your thoughts (constructive criticism only please) and visit the other critiquers blogs to provide more feedback on the other work submitted:
Brenda Drake
Shelley Watters
Erica Chapman
Time to get into it.
#Y4 - Allie Schellong
The shadow in the forest didn’t move.
Sophie edged to her left to get a better look at it, ignoring the comically loud squelch that arose when she wrenched her boot from the mud. For a full two minutes she had stared at this shadow, the human-like shape that had appeared off this trail at Ellery Wildlife Preserve. If it ended up being a tree, she would feel like an idiot for hanging around in the woods when her boss was probably going to skin her alive for taking so long already. But if this shadow was a person, something about the way it was positioned made Sophie think it was looking at her. Watching her.
She looked down for a second to blink away the downpour. Her gaze froze on a pair of boot prints.
They originated at the edge of the trail and disappeared into the green-tinged fog that had consumed the forest.
Sophie’s breath caught in her chest as her eyes traced the zig-zag tread stamped into the mud. There was no way these prints could start at the edge of the path, unless someone had dropped out of the sky into the preserve. And she had personally shepherded all the visitors out of the preserve when it closed half an hour ago to everyone except the preservation crew.
Her eyes peered up at the shadow—or, more likely, trespasser—again.
With Sarah's comments
The shadow in the forest didn’t move. I like this, but I think it might be more powerful if you use positive phrasing. Or maybe even if the shadow did move/flinch/sway - but she still really doesn't know if it's the wind or whatever.
Sophie edged to her left to get a better look at it, ignoring the comically I really don't like that word there; kind of ruins the great, dark mood you established with the first sentence loud squelch that arose when she wrenched her boot from the mud. For a full two minutes she had stared at there is nothing wrong with "stared at" but maybe experiment with some different verbs that might give us an idea about how she feels about it. like stalked or scrutinized or studied this shadow, the human-like shape that had appeared off this trail at Ellery Wildlife Preserve. If it ended up being a tree, she would feel like an idiot for hanging around in the woods when her boss was probably going to skin her alive for taking so long already. <-- This sentence feels awkward to me; don't know why - sorry! But if this shadow was a person, something about the way it was positioned made Sophie think it was 4 "was"s in the past 32 words, three in this sentence alone looking at her. Watching her.
She looked down for a second to blink away the downpour. Her gaze froze on a pair just a pair, or a trail? of boot prints.
They originated at the edge of the trail and disappeared into the green-tinged fog that had consumed the forest. towards the shadow?
Sophie’s breath caught in her chest you're showing us her reaction before you show us what causes it as her eyes traced the zig-zag tread stamped into the mud. There was no way these prints could start at the edge of the path, unless someone had dropped out of the sky into the preserve. capitalize preserve? also, I might have her wonder why the prints started there instead of having her say "there was no way." It's a subtle difference, but might add to the mystery. And she had personally shepherded all the visitors out of the preserve when it closed half an hour ago to everyone except the preservation crew. I had to read this sentence a few times to figure out what you were trying to say. It may just be me so let's see what our commenters have to say about it?
Her eyes peered up at the shadow—or, more likely, trespasser—again.
I think this was a pretty strong opening in terms of content, but I might look at more powerful word choices.
What say you, YAtopians? Do you agree with me? Disagree? Have something to add? All constructive feedback is welcome!
I think that the overall entry wasn't actually terrifically strong because the shadow is supposedly something intriguing and out of place when it isn't. If there were less emphasis on the shadow and more emphasis on what it belonged to (or who), then it would be much more compelling.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Sarah that opening line could be stronger. For me I was more drawn in by the zigzagging footsteps and the thought that someone had dropped in from the sky (or somewhere else).
ReplyDeleteI wanted to scream when I got to the end. (good scream because there was no more to read:)- I was waiting for her to look up, and the shadow that had been frozen for so long was now gone! Ah, *gasp*, but it ended before I found out! Ugh. This is intense and I personally LOVED it! (I'm a sucker for instant tension) Skip the fluff and get right into the good stuff :)-- Good luck, I'll be keeping my eye on this one :)
ReplyDeleteI loved the voice...it wasn't perfect but it would keep me reading for sure :)
ReplyDeleteYeah, this is one of those times where I didn't really have anything to correct so I focused on making it stronger, giving the words even more impact.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for the comments guys! I'm already getting to work on tweaking my opening.
ReplyDelete