Don't Say It: 15 things that should never be in your query

Before we get down to business, let's stop for a second and celebrate. This is my 100th post at YAtopia!

So we're talking about pitching this month at YAtopia (Just in time for Pitch Wars, too!). Rae Chang and I were just chatting on twitter about what phrases in queries are giant red flags for us. Some of these may seem obvious, but I guarantee anyone who has read slush has seen them more than a few times.

If you find yourself writing any of these phrases into your query, it may be a simple matter of ... you know, not writing them. However, some of these might require some research and maybe an attitude adjustment.

1) "All the YA books out there are poorly written, but mine is different" or some variation thereof

Well. Check out the ego on this guy.

Don't write in a genre/category you don't respect. Period. This may be a matter of you not reading widely enough in your genre, which is easily fixed. Otherwise, it's a lack of respect for the genre/category itself, in which case, why are you bothering? If you believe everything on the shelves in a well-established genre/category is trash, find another genre/category.

2) Putting down literary agents, whether as a group or individuals.

We all know the agent-publisher system is slow and frustrating. However, it's the best we have and we're just all trying to work within it. Why some people think it's okay to complain about literary agents' "greed" or response time or judgement or whatever while also asking those agents to represent them - I will never understand.

3) "There's nothing like this on the market"

Yes there is and I can name ten examples off the top of my head. Again, read more widely in your chosen genre; you don't know your market well enough.

Unless this is literally true, in which case, it's probably unpublishable. Hey, a guy in my first writing group tried to convince me that not having a single piece of punctuation for 9 pages was perfectly fine in commercial fiction (yep, not even literary or experimental).

HOWEVER, every time I've seen this in a query, it's been the former, not the latter.

4) "My book will appeal to readers of Harry Potter, The Hunger Games, Divergent, Twilight, and Jane Austen."

Sure it will, Sparky.

If you can't find comp titles that aren't mega-bestsellers, you (say it with me, I'm going to be saying it a lot) don't know your market well enough.

And you really have to love the authors who are just a little bit bolder and say things like "this book is the next Harry Potter, a guaranteed bestseller."

Listen, not even Harry Potter was the next Harry Potter when it was pitched. Nobody knows whether or not a book will take off like that. Keep your expectations reasonable.

5) "I've loved books since I was five years old when..."

This isn't a turn-off so much as it's ... boring. Loving books doesn't make you special in this industry, so saying this in a query is a waste of ink/electrons. If you don't have a lot to put in the "bio" section of the query, that really is totally fine! You can actually leave it out if you don't have anything beneficial to add there. The book is the most important thing.

6) Drop the cliches

As much as you can, eliminate cliches from your query letter. You have such a short space to show how your book is unique, why would you want to use phrases that we see all the time? Things like "so-and-so was just a normal girl until..." and "will never be the same" and "more than he bargained for" and "an incredible journey" and "falls into the wrong hands" and "to make matters worse" and "will change everything" will make experienced query readers roll their eyes.

7) Your age

It doesn't matter and all it can do is create subconscious bias.

8) That your friends/family love the book

Of course they do. My friends loved the first book I wrote. And it was absolute crap. (Not saying yours is, but I'm saying the opinions of your friends/family (or even your old English teacher) will not sway an agent/editor.)

9) Personal information about the agent

Knowing professional information (the agent's clients & the books they've sold) is great. But when you mention anything that doesn't have to do with the agent's professional career, you've crossed a line. Stalking is a real thing that many agents have to worry about, so there's no reason to raise a red flag like this.

10) "Dear Agent"

Write out their name. To the agent, lack of personalization in the greeting, means that you are mass emailing every agent for whom you could find an email address.

11) "Fictional novel"

All novels are, by definition, fictional.

12) "doesn't really fit in a genre"

If your book sells, it's going to have to go on a shelf somewhere. Pick the closest thing so I know roughly what to expect.

And tbh, most of the time this is said, the book fits perfectly into a genre, which tells me you know don't your market very well.

13) First person POV from your character.

It's often creepy, but sometimes it's just confusing and clunky. All book and character descriptions should be in 3rd person present tense, no matter what the book is in.

14) Rhetorical questions

You are not the exception to this rule. Don't do it. Just don't. Please, trust us on this. They don't work.

15) "trend" and "diversity" in the same sentence.

Diversity is not a trend.
Diversity is not a trend.

Diversity is not a trend.

Diversity is not a trend.

Diversity is not a trend.

Diversity is not a trend.

Diversity is not a trend.

Diversity is not a trend.

Diversity is not a trend.

Diversity is not a trend.

While we're at it, you didn't write "an LGBT novel" unless you have lesbians, gay people, bisexual people, AND trans people represented in the book. You probably wrote a f/f romance or a novel featuring a trans character, etc. 

Romantic Times Las Vegas: Pitch Wars Road Show

I'm Vegas bound baby! And I'll be part of the Pitch Wars Road Show. Pitch Wars host, Brenda Drake, has a great post that covers off on what exactly the road show is. 

But who is Pitch Wars Road Show for:

• Anyone who is participating in Pitch-A-Palooza: This is part of the Romantic Times Conference where writers can pitch to editors and agents. Get in before your session and tweak your pitch. 
• Anyone who is planning to submit to Pitch Wars: Pitch Wars is only just around the corner. Get in early and pick the brains of the mentors. 
• Anyone who likes participating in Pitch Contests: Get your 35 word pitch polished. 
• Anyone who likes participating in Twitter pitches: Get your 140 character pitch ready. 
• Anyone who is currently querying: If you are currently querying agents/submitting to editors then you can bring along story-related part of your query (your query minus your bio, etc). 
• Anyone who is planning to query soon: Maybe you're waiting on feedback from readers before you query? Or working out who you want to query? If a query is around the corner for your then this could be for you.
• Anyone who is writing a story that they want to query at some point: I have heard some writers find it useful to have their query written before they write their story as it helps them with the writing process. 

Basically, if you're a writer, and you're in Vegas for Romantic Times, you should come and check out the Pitch Wars Road Show. And if you haven't booked in, what are you waiting for! It's going to be a fun week where you get to meet authors and industry professionals, score cool swag, buy books and participate in some great events. 

See you there!

GET TO THE POINT!

This year, 2015, I’m an MG Pitch Wars mentor. I’m having a ball! From writing my ‘Why choose me?’ blog post, to receiving 64 submissions, to the headache of picking my mentee, to the surprise thrills of being able to pick two mentees, to now working with my gorgeous new friends for life (Stacey and Judy) on revising their manuscripts ready for the agent round in November. Major fun. And I can only thank Brenda Drake over and over for inviting me to join the gang. I’m privileged, and will work my socks and knickers off to ensure my mentees receive a bunch of agent hugs in just over a month’s time.

But, having read through all the first chapters sent to me by an incredibly talented group of writers­, there was a recurring issue that appeared time and again. And the same problem I see come up in the manuscripts I edit in my day job. It all boils down to the book starting in the wrong place, which of course affects that all important hook, the pull, the magnetism that makes a reader want to keep going, turning the pages and finding out what’s going to happen. I’m not kidding here when I add, this problem is so easily fixed.

Honestly, more often than not, in my Pitch Wars submissions, simply deleting the first two or three pages, and sometimes the first few paragraphs, was really all the author needed to do. It is an issue all writers have, not just newbies, but seasoned writers too, and you only need to check out posts and articles littering the internet to know how true this is. We, the story tellers, want our readers to understand the whys of our characters, and to do that we’re convinced we need to get the back story across as soon as possible.

 

Wrong. We don’t.

 

 

Most readers want in first; they want a taste of the action, of the tension; they want subtlety and clues; they want to be intrigued; they want to be thrown bam! straight into that life-changing moment of the main character, and the whole point of us, the authors, writing the story.

Back story is important and needs to be included, but not in paragraph after paragraph of distant narrative, or a character unrealistically and far too conveniently thinking about their lives to date. I’m afraid it’s downright boring. If you have books on shelves or a manuscript in the slush piles, boring isn’t a faux pas you can afford.

And this goes for the rest of the book, not just the first chapter. It’s absolutely fine to do this in earlier drafts, in fact, as an editor and writer, I would encourage you do to this. For one, it gets it out of your brain and allows you, the creator of this character’s past, to ‘see’ it and iron out any inconsistencies, rather than have it cooped up in your mind. I also encourage authors to complete biographies or character profile sheets for everyone in the book for the same reason. Plus, this is a separate document you can refer to as you write.

Once that first draft is finished, work through your manuscript with a brightly coloured pen (real or virtual) and highlight the back story. Then decide if it really really needs to be there. If it does, don’t just tell the reader or have the character once again conveniently consider it, blend something in subtly. A clue, a snippet, a cheeky insight. Don’t put the whole chocolate mud cake in front of the reader on page one, just smear a little ganache here and there. Make their eyes light up, make them lick their lips, make them drool. ‘Ooo, chocolate cake. Must turn page. Must find cake.’

 

Get the picture?

Example? OK.

 

DON’T DO THIS

‘Just two years’ ago, John’s heart had been broken. Carol, his girlfriend of five years, his childhood sweetheart, had dumped him. Packed her bags and left for a younger model. He knew it was coming, but was too nervous to mention it. He didn’t want to lose her. He didn’t want to be alone.

John spent many weeks and months afterwards staring at the TV screen, neither watching whatever was on nor thinking of anything in particular. He’d been emptied out of all thought, all emotion.

So when he met Liz, six months’ ago, he was wary. Cautious. Afraid to ever feel that way again.’

 

DO THIS

‘John breathed in deeply, trying to push aside the tightening of his stomach. This was all a bit too familiar. The iPhone in her hand. The stupid grin on her face. Only this time it was Liz, not Carol.

He released the breath slowly through his nostrils. Should he say something? Or sit there, on the same couch just like last time, and wait for the break up to happen? Could he deal with that pain again? Probably not.

John opened his mouth, but all that came out was a strange squeak that he quickly disguised as a cough.

Liz looked up and frowned. John smiled and averted his gaze quickly back to the TV screen.’

 

The second excerpt puts the reader in the scene. They see John, his shyness, his nerves, his worry. They’re introduced to his previous heartbreak. In the first, they’re being told this through a back story dumping, unable to engage fully with any action. I know which I prefer, and I know which would make me keep reading. The second. Is Liz about to dump him? Will John build up the confidence to ask who she’s texting? Let’s keep reading and find out.

 

Be subtle. Blend. Intrigue. Show, don’t tell.

5 Reasons Critique Partners are a Must

I wasted a lot of years writing without a critique partner. In my college novel-writing class, we spent a couple weeks critiquing everyone’s writing as a group. I saw how amazingly beneficial that kind of feedback is, but there was that one critiquer. That one writer who reminded me of Simon Cowell. See, everyone else pointed out the good and bad, but this lady…she was snobby. She thought she was better than everyone else. And she called my story a “soap opera.” *Cringe* Even though the other fourteen critiquers were awesome and helpful, she’s the one who stuck in my mind and represented critique partners everywhere. 

The game changer? 2014 Pitch Wars. All of the mentors I subbed to gave me the same advice: Get a critique partner. Through one of those mentors, I found my talented, nice, helpful, funny CP, Sarah. Sarah is the bomb. (Check out her website and read her free serial story, The Two Worlds of Sydnee Cameron!) And she’s nothing like Miss Your-Story-is-a-Soap-Opera.

Finding a critique partner you trust and work well with is a must, so if you haven’t found one yet...just do it! 

Here are 5 reasons to get on that. Like, right now.  

1. Your CP will make you a better writer. You don’t know what you don’t know. Every writer has different strengths and weaknesses, and it’s not likely yours will be the same as your CP’s. That means you can help each other learn and grow like the beautiful little butterflies you are. 

2. Cheer Buddies! No one will cheer you on like your CP. Sure, your significant other, parents, and best friends might be amazing and supportive. But your CP gets it. They have the same struggles and dreams. They'll know whether you need a high five or a pint of ice cream.

3. You get to read amazing stories and call it "work." Oh, another chapter to read? Yes, please.

4. A CP keeps you on track. If you slack, they will hound you. If you make a goal, they'll ask if you kept it. They're the person who reminds you that you're a writer when you've been wandering Netflix in your PJs and messy bun for no good reason. I mean, at first they're probably like:

But after a while, they'll set you straight like:

5. More best friends! Sharing your words with someone is a vulnerable thing, so naturally, you'll be close to the people you let in to critique. Your CP will be there for you when you're stuck on a scene, and they'll be there for you when you stub your toe or regretfully win a hot dog eating contest. Yay, friends!