First 250 Words Work Shop: #Y14 - Anya Harker

We are joining forces with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters and Erica Chapman in critiquing the first 250 words of manuscripts of the lucky 60 people who signed up for the After the Madness Workshop.

YAtopians Sarah Nicolas, Kelley York, Sharon Johnston and Leigh Fallon have taken on a few workshop submission each to provide some feedback on the opening paragraphs. We'd love it if you'd add your thoughts (constructive criticism only please) and visit the other critiquers blogs to provide more feedback on the other work submitted:

Brenda Drake
Shelley Watters
Erica Chapman

Time to get into it.



#Y14 - Anya Harker

Original

Acrid smoke stung his eyes and Aiden's lungs burned as he sucked in another breath of tainted oxygen. Racing across the grassland at near preternatural speed, his footfalls left small craters in the soft ground. His quarry managed to stay a few steps ahead of him and Aiden wasn't sure how much longer he could keep up this breakneck pace. The woman and the bundle in her arms were just out of reach and Aiden knew he had to catch them before they reached the portal. Everything depended on it.

Everything.

Around him, the other Hunters fought against their Seelie opponents, paying him no heed while he flew across the dew covered grass. They had their own fights to win; he had his.

Aiden was given the simplest of tasks: keep an eye on the prisoners while the Hunters revealed their ultimate weapon. The Hunters were a race that survived by feeding off the energy of pure Fae – Seelie and Unseelie alike. Thus the alliance between the Hunters and their dark Unseelie brethren would be unexpected. They'd emerge victorious. Meanwhile the Seelie Queen, Inaria, and her babe would be powerless to stop her subjects from being sucked dry of their precious grace.

The Fae Hunter Elders said at his three hundred and seventeen years he was too young to be of any use. How much trouble could the two cause, held within warded iron bars? All he wanted to do was participate in the fight and prove his worth.

Aiden refused to admit his bruised ego was about to be the end of everything.

Sarah's Comments

Acrid smoke stung his eyes and Aiden's lungs burned as he sucked in another breath of tainted oxygen. Racing across the grassland at near preternatural speed Is it actually preternatural? If so "near" is seriously weakening this sentence. If it's not, I'm going to assume he's human among non-humans, which I don't think is the case, his footfalls by structuring this sentence this way, you're saying his footfalls race across the grassland - which really doesn't make any sense. I would change footfalls to feet. left small craters in the soft ground. His quarry managed to stay stayed a few steps ahead of him and to speed up the pace, you could make this two sentences Aiden wasn't sure how much longer he could keep up this breakneck pace. The woman and the bundle in her arms were just out of reach and same comment on splitting up the sentences to speed up the pace Aiden knew he had to catch them before they reached the portal. Everything depended on it.

Everything.

Around him, the other Hunters fought against their Seelie opponents, paying him no heed while he flew across the dew covered grass. They had their own fights to win; he had his.

Aiden was given the simplest of tasks: keep an eye on the prisoners while the Hunters revealed their ultimate weapon. The Hunters were a race that survived by feeding off the energy of pure Fae – Seelie and Unseelie alike. Wait, so is he a bad guy? I think most readers usually assume we're going to ride along with the hero in the first scene so at this point, I'm really confused. Thus the alliance between the Hunters and their dark Unseelie brethren would be unexpected. They'd emerge victorious. Meanwhile the Seelie Queen, Inaria, and her babe would be powerless to stop her subjects from being sucked dry of their precious grace. These last three sentences feel a bit out of place to me. Let's see if the commenters have anything to add, but I think it's because you're saying they're definitely going to win after and before you're saying he screwed up and they may not win.

The Fae Hunter Elders said at his three hundred and seventeen years he was too young to be of any use. I would say: "... at his three hundred and seventeen years, Aiden was too young..." How much trouble could the two cause, held within warded iron bars? I might move this sentence before the last one so that you're talking about the queen and the baby and then "the two" instead of switching back and forth between subjects. In four sentences you go: queen, Aiden, queen, Aiden All he wanted to do was participate in the fight and prove his worth. Still? I think right now, all he wants to do is catch the queen.

Aiden refused to admit his bruised ego was about to be the end of everything.

I'll admit, I tried to find your pitch but couldn't because I wanted to see what the crux of your story was. I'm not sure how I feel about jumping into the action of this guy chasing a woman and her baby with the goal of sucking them dry. It's definitely not making me wish for him to succeed.

Anything to add YAtopians? Feel free to disagree with me :-)