We are joining forces with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters and Erica Chapman in critiquing the first 250 words of manuscripts of the lucky 60 people who signed up for the After the Madness Workshop.
YAtopians Sarah Nicolas, Kelley York, Sharon Johnston and Leigh Fallon have taken on a few workshop submission each to provide some feedback on the opening paragraphs. We'd love it if you'd add your thoughts (constructive criticism only please) and visit the other critiquers blogs to provide more feedback on the other work submitted:
Brenda Drake
Shelley Watters
Erica Chapman
Time to get into it.
#Y1 - Rebecca Buss:
Original
Sitting in that hard plastic chair in the principal's office stunned Olivia. It was worse than a bad day, or a bad dream. It was more like a nightmare.
Olivia sat motionless in her seat, her hands folded in her lap. If she could have coiled herself into a ball, she would have. A nervous chill tiptoed its way up and down her spine.
To her left was some girl who had claimed to witness the incident. Legs crossed, her foot shook to some beat that only she could seem to hear. Her gaze never found its way towards Olivia. To her right was Hunter. His eyes were set on the receptionist’s desk, fixed as though he could see through the panel of wood, directly at the secretary who continued to type away at some problem of her own.
Every now and then, Olivia felt his gaze shift, as though he were staring her down through the corner of his eye. She wouldn't blame him. He was the victim's brother.
Olivia did not want to think of Chase as a victim. It made her feel like she hurt Chase on purpose. It made her not want to think at all. As she sat there waiting for her parents though, listening to the ongoing click-clack of a keyboard behind the receptionist’s desk, the unpleasant thoughts pushed their way through, invading Olivia’s mind.
She never wanted to hurt him, Hunter or Chase.
Sitting in that hard plastic chair in the principal's office stunned Olivia. It was worse than a bad day, or a bad dream. It was more like a nightmare. For me the first sentence is a bit awkward and isn't attention grabbing enough. Something intriguing is going on here and you need to suck us in more.
Olivia sat motionless in her seat, her hands folded in her lap. If she could have coiled herself into a ball, she would have. A nervous chill tiptoed its way up and down her spine.
Be careful how many times you use Olivia's name. It's six times in 250 words. You can definitely change the one above to she. I love the description of a chill tiptoeing down her spine.
Be careful how many times you use Olivia's name. It's six times in 250 words. You can definitely change the one above to she. I love the description of a chill tiptoeing down her spine.
To her left was some girl who had claimed to witness the incident. Legs crossed, her foot shook to some beat that only she could seem to hear. Her gaze never found its way towards Olivia. To her right was Hunter. His eyes were set on the receptionist’s desk, fixed as though he could see through the panel of wood, directly at the secretary who continued to type away at some problem of her own.
Every now and then, Olivia felt his gaze shift, as though he were staring her down through the corner of his eye. She wouldn't blame him. He was the victim's brother.
Olivia did not (unless she's fae, use contrations) want to think of Chase as a victim. It made her feel like she hurt Chase (use him, not Chase - try not to repeat words too much and we already know that's who she's referring to) on purpose. It made her not want to think at all. As she sat there waiting for her parents though, listening to the ongoing click-clack of a keyboard behind the receptionist’s desk, the unpleasant thoughts pushed their way through, invading Olivia’s (her) mind.
She never wanted to hurt him, Hunter or Chase.
In a lot of ways this is a strong opening as it has a lot of mystery about it. I want to know what Olivia has done to Chase that's landed a goody-goody in the principal's office (good characterisation by the way). But the first few lines need to be stronger to draw us in. You also use people's names too often. You need to minmise this as it's distracting repeated words. You have great prose and descriptions - the sound of the keyboard, her wanting to coil into a ball, the tiptoeing down her spine. All fantastic. Hook us with your opening words and you'll be set.
In a lot of ways this is a strong opening as it has a lot of mystery about it. I want to know what Olivia has done to Chase that's landed a goody-goody in the principal's office (good characterisation by the way). But the first few lines need to be stronger to draw us in. You also use people's names too often. You need to minmise this as it's distracting repeated words. You have great prose and descriptions - the sound of the keyboard, her wanting to coil into a ball, the tiptoeing down her spine. All fantastic. Hook us with your opening words and you'll be set.
I thought this piece was lacking a bit of focus. Olivia is the main character, but she tries to see into the witness and Hunter's thoughts: "some beat that only she could seem to hear," "fixed as though he could see through the panel of wood," and even the secretary's "problem of her own." I guess it shows that Olivia isn't the only one with a problem, but this paragraph pulled me out. What is REALLY important here?
ReplyDeleteThe first line "Sitting in that hard plastic chair in the principal's office stunned Olivia." made me laugh, picturing it booby-trapped with a stun gun--but I don't think that's what you intended! It seems like you were trying to avoid a passive-sounding phrase like "Being ordered to the principal's office . . ." and replaced it with a stronger verb, but obviously both Sharon and I stumbled over it. There are some great teasers here, but I don't connect with the MC right off the bat--is there a way to show us some of her concerns and thoughts as actual internal dialogue?
ReplyDeleteI agree with the commentary given. Lacks a bit of focus, and the first few lines need some work to make it really pop. In fact, a good first line would be-Olivia never meant to hurt Hunter or Chase. I'd condense this a bit, as well, because some of the phrasing feels dragged out and repetetive.
ReplyDeleteAgree about the mystery, though. I'm curious to know why she's there and what she did.