We are joining forces with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters and Erica Chapman in critiquing the first 250 words of manuscripts of the lucky 60 people who signed up for the After the Madness Workshop.
YAtopians Sarah Nicolas, Kelley York, Sharon Johnston and Leigh Fallon have taken on a few workshop submission each to provide some feedback on the opening paragraphs. We'd love it if you'd add your thoughts (constructive criticism only please) and visit the other critiquers blogs to provide more feedback on the other work submitted:
Brenda Drake
Shelley Watters
Erica Chapman
Time to get into it.
First 250 Words Work Shop: #Y6 - Rachel Hert
Original:
The blow smashed into his right cheek and lights exploded before Jared’s eyes. He crashed against the wall and crumpled to the ground. A high pitched ringing blocked all sound. Pain ripped through his side as the tip of a boot caught him and slammed him against the wall again. He gasped and curled up, protecting his face. Not again. I’ve been home less than two minutes. What can he possibly blame me for this time?
The collar of Jared’s shirt bit into his neck as Dad dragged him to his feet. Is this it? Is he really going to kill me this time? The vision in his left eye returned, bright afterimages still obliterating most of his view. Dad glared at him, eyes bloodshot and unfocused as he swayed. The foul stench of his breath curled up Jared’s nose.
Drunk again.
He wouldn’t even remember this by tomorrow. Jared shoved Dad into the wall, pulling his shirt out of Dad’s fingers. He darted through the black and white tiled kitchen and flung the sliding glass door open.
“Get back here you worthless brat!”
Pain spread through Jared’s side like fire. His head pounded as if it were about to burst, but he didn’t dare stop. If Dad caught up…
His feet raced over the uneven ground, clumps of weeds snagging his sneakers. He slipped through the gate toward the front of the house. Each step sent lances through his lungs and tears blurred his eyes, but he didn’t dare stop.
The blow smashed into his right cheek and lights exploded before Jared’s eyes. He crashed against the wall and crumpled to the ground. A high pitched ringing blocked all sound. Pain ripped through his side as the tip of a boot caught him and slammed him against the wall again. He gasped and curled up, protecting his face. Not again. I’ve been home less than two minutes. What can he possibly blame me for this time?
Be careful about putting your MC into peril before the reader has had a chance to relate to them.
The collar of Jared’s shirt bit into his neck as Dad (I'd put 'his father' instead of Dad here as you use Dad againin this par and you need to avoid repetition of words) dragged him to his feet. Is this it? Is he really going to kill me this time? The vision in his left eye returned, bright afterimages still obliterating most of his view. Dad glared at him, eyes bloodshot and unfocused as he swayed. The foul stench of his breath curled up Jared’s nose.
Drunk again.
He wouldn’t even remember this by tomorrow. Jared shoved Dad into the wall, pulling his shirt out of Dad’s fingers. Again over using Dad. He darted through the black and white tiled kitchen and flung the sliding glass door open.
“Get back here you worthless brat!”
Pain spread through Jared’s side like fire. His head pounded as if it were about to burst, but he didn’t dare stop. If Dad caught up…
His feet raced over the uneven ground, clumps of weeds snagging his sneakers. He slipped through the gate toward the front of the house. Each step sent lances through his lungs and tears blurred his eyes, but he didn’t dare stop. Repeated phrase - didn't dare stop.
Overall there's a lot of emotion. The main problem I had was a lack of connection to the MC. While it's a very sad situation, there isn't enough time for me to get to know and feel for the character before he's being put in this circumstance. While I haven't been in this situation personal, I also didn't feel like I was tranported there. I think there needs to be more description about the father - I have no idea what he looks like other than having bloodshot eyes. It also seems odd to me that he has the strength and accuracy to kick his son causing that damage, but the son can push him away. I'd be rethinking where you should be starting this novel.
Overall there's a lot of emotion. The main problem I had was a lack of connection to the MC. While it's a very sad situation, there isn't enough time for me to get to know and feel for the character before he's being put in this circumstance. While I haven't been in this situation personal, I also didn't feel like I was tranported there. I think there needs to be more description about the father - I have no idea what he looks like other than having bloodshot eyes. It also seems odd to me that he has the strength and accuracy to kick his son causing that damage, but the son can push him away. I'd be rethinking where you should be starting this novel.
I liked this, but I agree with the critiquer above (not sure who critiqued today?)
ReplyDeleteI would open just one paragraph before this. So we know just a bit more before punches. You could try something like...
Jared held his breath as he slid the glass door open. His goal when coming and going was to try and remain invisible.
It didn't work.
The blow smashed into his right cheek and lights exploded before Jared’s eyes.
Not again. I’ve been home less than two minutes. What can he possibly blame me for this time?
(Now you can tell us their size difference to let us know how old our mc is without even having to say)--
He was almost as tall as his dad, thanks to the rapid growth spurt last summer, but still over seventy-five pounds seperated them. (or something way better...this is just to demonstrate that you can give us a quick visual of their frames, and this might give us an idea if Jared is pre, or post puberty :)
So with just a little extra, you can help us connect a little better with the character :) I like the action though...but slow the pace just a bit, and give us some voice of the character so we are hurting for him :)
I think both critiquers have already covered my suggestions, so I'll just add that you have some great descriptions here. And the punch on the right side/vision clearing in his left eye threw me? Did he hit his eye on the wall after the punch?
ReplyDeleteAgree with all of the above. Starting with conflict is good, but starting with immediate peril wherein we're supposed to feel sorry for the MC is tricky, because we know nothing about him. For all we know, he could be a total jerk and murder puppies in his spare time.
ReplyDeleteGood description, though. I think this would be a powerful sort of scene to have after we've gotten to know our MC more.
Okay I really loved the ntense emotions!! I think you need to start with a happier memory and trick the readers into thinking this character is describing his perfect reality when and then hit them with this scene.
ReplyDeleteI like all the suggestions but thought of that one. Happy writing!!
Thanks everyone for the suggestions. They help a lot.
ReplyDelete