First 250 Words Work Shop: #Y5 - Heidi Tabing

We are joining forces with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters and Erica Chapman in critiquing the first 250 words of manuscripts of the lucky 60 people who signed up for the After the Madness Workshop.

YAtopians Sarah Nicolas, Kelley York, Sharon Johnston and Leigh Fallon have taken on a few workshop submission each to provide some feedback on the opening paragraphs. We'd love it if you'd add your thoughts (constructive criticism only please) and visit the other critiquers blogs to provide more feedback on the other work submitted:

Brenda Drake
Shelley Watters
Erica Chapman

Time to get into it.

#Y5 - Heidi Tabing

ORIGINAL:

My Game Boy is going to die, but I’m in the middle of a final battle!

Why did my brother have to steal my charger? I don’t remember the last time I saved, so if my battery dies then I’ll lose more than just this boss fight. If that happens, I know my revenge: I’m going to steal my brother’s car! Then we’ll see how he likes it when I take something from him!

Can my button-jamming skills help me now? My nerves might get the better of me if my hands continue to shake like I’ve had too much caffeine.

I think the last time my heart beat this fast was when I first started playing Resident Evil 4—but chainsaw-wielding zombies are nothing compared to lost game data! I’m at the end of Chain of Memories, and Marluxia, whose pink face is even prettier than mine, taunts me with his flowery scythe. Maybe if I keep throwing high-numbered cards at him, I can beat the game before my battery dies. He only has half of his green health bar left. I can do this!

And just when Marluxia blocks my next attack with a zero card, the light of the LCD screen fades, and the jagged rows of pixels disappear into gray oblivion.

My Game Boy is dead.

I would hurl the thing at the wall, but my growling stomach rumbles my entire body. I take this moment to breathe deeply and remind myself that I’m going to take Aaron’s car. Yeah, that’ll make me feel better. At least then I can buy myself something to eat other than mayonnaise.

WITH KELLEY'S COMMENTARY:

My Game Boy ((GameBoy)) is going to die, but I’m in the middle of a final battle! ((My first thought is "GameBoy? Wow. Old-school." It made me think 90s. But given the games the MC is playing as mentioned later, this would date it to 2006, which is still pretty old considering. Unless you're specifically trying to make this dated, be careful of mentioning very specific technology.))

Why did my brother have to steal my charger? I don’t remember the last time I saved, so if my battery dies then I’ll lose more than just this boss fight. If that happens, I know my revenge: I’m going to steal my brother’s car! Then we’ll see how he likes it when I take something from him! ((I'm getting a very young feel for the MC. Is this a flashback?))

Can my button-jamming skills help me now? My nerves might get the better of me if my hands continue to shake like I’ve had too much caffeine.

I think the last time my heart beat this fast was when I first started playing Resident Evil 4—but chainsaw-wielding zombies are nothing compared to lost game data! I’m at the end of Chain of Memories, and Marluxia, whose pink face is even prettier than mine, taunts me with his flowery scythe. Maybe if I keep throwing high-numbered cards at him, I can beat the game before my battery dies. He only has half of his green health bar left. I can do this! ((This paragraph, I can appreciate, because I've played and loved both these games. However...much of the population hasn't and this is going to lose some of them who will be going, "Wait...what?" I wouldn't mention specific titles. This could be summed up in a sentence.))

And just when Marluxia blocks my next attack with a zero card, ((Again, info people who haven't played aren't going to get.)) the light of the LCD screen fades, and the jagged rows of pixels disappear into gray oblivion.

My Game Boy ((GameBoy)) is dead. ((This right here is where you could potentially start, though it's hard to say without knowing what comes next. Everything before this point doesn't add or tell me anything about the story. "My GameBoy is dead. It shouldn't be dead. Wouldn't be dead if my brother hadn't stolen my charger. Now all I've got is a botched boss-battle and potentially corrupted save data." Etc etc. Continue on with stealing-brother's-car revenge.))

I would hurl the thing at the wall, but my growling stomach rumbles my entire body. I take this moment to breathe deeply and remind myself that I’m going to take Aaron’s car. Yeah, that’ll make me feel better. At least then I can buy myself something to eat other than mayonnaise. ((There's a decent sense of voice in this and good punctuation/spelling/grammar, however, I'm left with little to no information about the MC. Male, female? Name? Age? I don't know any of these things. All I know is he/she is mad his/her game died and he/she is planning to steal a car for revenge. Which also rings more true for a younger MC, as stealing a charger compared to stealing a car is a pretty drastic difference.))