We are joining forces with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters and Erica Chapman in critiquing the first 250 words of manuscripts of the lucky 60 people who signed up for the After the Madness Workshop.
YAtopians Sarah Nicolas, Kelley York, Sharon Johnston and Leigh Fallon have taken on a few workshop submission each to provide some feedback on the opening paragraphs. We'd love it if you'd add your thoughts (constructive criticism only please) and visit the other critiquers blogs to provide more feedback on the other work submitted:
Brenda Drake
Shelley Watters
Erica Chapman
Time to get into it.
#Y15 - Kat Ellis
ORIGINAL
The blast turned everything piercing white for a moment. Then the soundwave hit her.
“Bloody hell!” Beth’s ears rang as she gripped the steering wheel to ride out the aftershocks. For a moment, it felt like the whole world would collapse in on itself.
The silence that followed was almost as deafening.
Beth blinked through her dark goggles, trying to make out any sign of life outside the vehicle. All she saw was the burning crater where the bomb had hit, the already bleak expanse swallowed by a blanket of dust and smoke. Beth kept watching for Michael to reappear, her leg spazzing in rhythm with the proximity alarm.
“We should go,” Saul said, his breath moist on Beth’s neck. She edged away.
“We can’t just leave Michael there!”
“Don’t see why not. It’s not like he’s a real person.”
She could hear Saul’s sneer without even looking at him. Another blast rocked the roach, further away but still too damned close. The vehicle lurched as it struggled to maintain its balance. No part of the landscape was left untouched by the bombs, rough craters and ditches carved like war wounds into the ground.
“Not. Yet.” Her mouth set in a firm line, one hand hovering near her gun. Saul rolled his eyes.
“Fine…” His words trailed off as Beth hurried past him to the rear hatch of the roach. Saul followed just in time to see Michael striding out from the dust cloud towards them.
With Sarah's Comments
With Sarah's Comments
The blast turned everything piercing white for a moment. Then the soundwave hit her.
“Bloody hell!” I don't know; I think after an explosion like that, she'd be less coherent. Beth’s ears rang as she gripped the steering wheel to ride out the aftershocks. For a moment, it felt like the whole world would collapse in on itself.
The silence that followed was almost as deafening.
Beth blinked through her dark goggles, trying to make out any sign of life outside the vehicle. All she saw was the burning crater where the bomb had hit, the already bleak expanse swallowed by a blanket of dust and smoke. At this point, I'm getting frustrated because I can't picture the scene. A crater, yes, but where? In a city, in a desert, on another planet? Beth kept watching for Michael to reappear, her leg spazzing in rhythm with the proximity alarm. This sentence is awkward - do the two thoughts have anything to do with each other?
“We should go,” Saul said, his breath moist on Beth’s neck. She edged away. Isn't she in the driver's seat? Where does she go? Why isn't Saul in a seat?
“We can’t just leave Michael there!”
“Don’t see why not. It’s not like he’s a real person.”
She could hear Saul’s sneer without even looking at him. Another blast rocked the roach I don't know what you mean by "roach." Like, no idea at all. You may want to use the word first in a sentence with context that tells us it's the vehicle they're in, further away but still too damned close. The vehicle lurched as it struggled to maintain its balance. No part of the landscape was left untouched by the bombs, rough craters and ditches carved like war wounds into the ground. Are they like war wounds? Or are they war wounds?
“Not. Yet.” Her mouth set in a firm line, one hand hovering near her gun. Saul rolled his eyes.
“Fine…” His words trailed off as Beth hurried past him to the rear hatch of the roach. Saul followed just in time to see Michael striding out from the dust cloud towards them.
The main thing here is I just don't care. You've thrown these three characters in the middle of an explosion and I have no idea who they are or why. I have no reason to care for them and I'm not engaged in the story. I realize that you're trying to start with action, but it needs to be meaningful action.
Secondly, I'm having trouble picturing the scene, the location of people. After reading this page a few times, I still don't have an image in my head. This may be one of those rare instances where you want to start a little earlier and let us have a few seconds of normalcy before the bomb hits.
What do you think YAtopians? As always, feel free to disagree with me!
The main thing here is I just don't care. You've thrown these three characters in the middle of an explosion and I have no idea who they are or why. I have no reason to care for them and I'm not engaged in the story. I realize that you're trying to start with action, but it needs to be meaningful action.
Secondly, I'm having trouble picturing the scene, the location of people. After reading this page a few times, I still don't have an image in my head. This may be one of those rare instances where you want to start a little earlier and let us have a few seconds of normalcy before the bomb hits.
What do you think YAtopians? As always, feel free to disagree with me!
Really pleased to see my entry up here (thanks guys!), but I'm assuming no crit comments is not a good thing... ;)
ReplyDeleteSorry! We had a minor miscommunication. But it's up now with my comments!
ReplyDeleteThanks Sarah, I think I can really work with your comments (and no worries about the glitch!)
DeleteThanks again.
Ah yes, isn't that the dream, Kat--to get your work back with no changes? ;)
ReplyDeleteBut I have to agree with Sarah that this is the kind of action-packed opening scene that works great on film but less so on the page. I was a little lost as well, but I think I caught some of the important things you were trying to get across: this is not their first battle, Michael is perhaps not like Beth and Saul, and yet Beth is more emotionally empathetic to Michael than Saul.
Can you keep those bits while giving us a better idea of the size and layout of the roach/vehicle and its placement?
Yes, you got all the important stuff, which is definitely reassuring! Thanks for the great suggestions, I'm going to work in descriptions of the roach and the landscape to give a better sense of the surroundings, so hopefully that'll fix it.
Delete