We are joining forces with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters and Erica Chapman in critiquing the first 250 words of manuscripts of the lucky 60 people who signed up for the After the Madness Workshop.
YAtopians Sarah Nicolas, Kelley York, Sharon Johnston and Leigh Fallon have taken on a few workshop submission each to provide some feedback on the opening paragraphs. We'd love it if you'd add your thoughts (constructive criticism only please) and visit the other critiquers blogs to provide more feedback on the other work submitted:
Brenda Drake
Shelley Watters
Erica Chapman
Time to get into it.
#Y9 - Jamie Corrigan:
Original
Taisie Monahan pressed herself against a brick wall, trying to catch a break from the sea of Forever 21 and American Eagle drenched students flowing through the floodgates of Saint Isabel High. Last night's nightmare was still fresh on her mind as she gave her ponytail a nervous tug, pulling her hair tighter. Taking a breath, Taisie swore she could smell the metallic stench floating from his dead body, making her stomach lurch.
A raven glided across the silver clouds, pulling her from her torture as her blue eyes flicked up to watch it. Goosebumps sprouted on her arm, forcing her to tear her gaze away. Taisie knew her stalker was there. She searched the crowd frantically looking for him. She may have never seen his face before, but that creepy-spider-crawling-up-her-back feeling was something that belonged only to him.
“Get a grip. People are staring,” she whispered to herself.
“Hey! Come here!” The hot jock waving at her made Taisie forget about everything.
A huge smile spread across her face as she sucked in a breath, abandoning her quest, and walked up to him. She opened her mouth, not knowing exactly what to say, when a gorgeous brunette stepped in-between them.
“Oh, my God! Did you actually think he was talking to you freak?” The girl let out a heinous laugh that sent everyone around into a fit of laughter and ice through Taisie's veins.
“You’re new,” a sexy smooth voice rang out from behind Taisie, saving her from her humiliation.
Taisie Monahan no need to use the MC's surname in narration - dialogue only pressed herself against a brick wall, trying to catch a break from the sea of Forever 21 be careful of dating your work with popular culture references and American Eagle drenched students flowing through the floodgates of Saint Isabel High. The first sentence needs more of a hook to grab the readers attention - something that makes us HAVE to read on. Last night's nightmare was still fresh on her mind as she gave her ponytail a nervous tug, pulling her hair tighter. Taking a breath, Taisie swore she swore (be careful not to overuse names) could smell the metallic stench floating from his who? dead body, making her stomach lurch. Now this drags me in more. Maybe an opening sentence like:
Tasisie swore she could still emall metallic stench of the dead body.
Tasisie swore she could still emall metallic stench of the dead body.
A raven glided across the silver clouds, pulling her from her torture as her blue eyes flicked up to watch it. Goosebumps sprouted on her arm, forcing her to tear her gaze away. Taisie knew her stalker was there. This would also make a stronger opening sentece. I'd add the opening two sentence of this par at the end of it. She searched the crowd frantically looking for him. She may have never seen his face before, but that creepy-spider-crawling-up-her-back feeling was something that belonged only to him.
“Get a grip. People are staring,” she whispered to herself.
“Hey! Come here!” The hot jock waving at her made Taisie forget about everything.
A huge smile spread across her face as she sucked in a breath, abandoning her quest, and walked up to him. She opened her mouth, not knowing exactly what to say, when a gorgeous brunette stepped in-between them.
“Oh, my God! Did you actually think he was talking to you freak?” The girl let out a heinous laugh that sent everyone around into a fit of laughter and ice through Taisie's veins. The lack of names for these people are odd. Why would she be so excited to see a random stranger calling out to her, especially if she's worried about a stalker.
“You’re new,” a sexy smooth voice rang out from behind Taisie, saving her from her humiliation.
While I'm finding parts of this intriguing - I think you might have too much going on in this first 250 words. First there's the dead body issue, then she has a stalker. That's a lot for the reader to process in a short space of time. Focus on one for starters then bring the other in a bit later.
Thank you for your critique. That opening line has been the death of me, but I think I've about got it figured out. Thank you so much for doing this. All of you! I'm going to take what you've said and work on it until it shines. Thanks again! :)
ReplyDeleteI agree that it also threw me that she went from not knowing what her stalker looks like, to walking straight over to a stranger. Kind of conflicting tone and actions for me, with the dead body memory, a stalker, and typical high school hijinks. Not sure who critted today, but I think their suggestion of an opening sentence is worth playing with.
ReplyDeleteSorry - I've been really naughty and not putting my name to the critiques. Mine are the purple ones =D
ReplyDeleteI had a few other suggestions.
ReplyDeleteOne- if she thinks people are staring at her then she wouldn't talk to herself out loud. I felt that should just be an internal thought.
Second- If a super-hot, random guy calls her, she should look around, paranoid and certain he is not talking to her. I felt that would be the natural reaction. So when she jumped up and walked over, super confident...I knew it was too easy and some pretty girl was going to step out. And she did. So be careful to make sure you stick with natural movements and not 'scripted for the story' movements.
I would have preffered for her to simply ask...'Are you talking to me?'--then they could laugh at her.
And third- 'a sexy(,) smooth voice rang out'--- 'Rang out' seems to me like a loud sound. It seems more like he'd be behind her and this should be a quiet, just between them, conversation (And there should be a comma between 2 seperate descriptions. If you want it to be a single description it should be 'a sexy(-)smooth voice' which might work in this instance.
Good luck, hope this helps.