First 250 Words Work Shop: #Y12 - Ryan Burt

We are joining forces with Brenda Drake, Shelley Watters and Erica Chapman in critiquing the first 250 words of manuscripts of the lucky 60 people who signed up for the After the Madness Workshop.

YAtopians Sarah Nicolas, Kelley York, Sharon Johnston and Leigh Fallon have taken on a few workshop submission each to provide some feedback on the opening paragraphs. We'd love it if you'd add your thoughts (constructive criticism only please) and visit the other critiquers blogs to provide more feedback on the other work submitted:

Brenda Drake
Shelley Watters
Erica Chapman

Time to get into it.

#Y12 - Ryan Burt:

ORIGINAL:

I take a deep breath and settle the crosshairs on the man I’m about to kill. I’ve made this shot hundreds if not thousands of times. Okay, not in real life just in video games. I’ve never killed a man before. I have never even been in a fist fight before but I’m on the verge of killing a man. A man who deserves to die. This man has killed before. This evil man has killed fathers, brothers, sisters, and mothers. This horrible man definitely deserves to die.

I try to relax knowing I need to make this shot count but relaxing is easier said than done. I try to imagine it like a video game. “Just playing a game. Shooting a bunch of pixels not shooting flesh and blood.” The trigger moves backwards and this man’s life draws closer and closer to ending. Just as I’m sure my gun should fire, the man’s head explodes in a spray of blood and brains.

I drop my rifle and vomit into the bushes besides me not even worrying about who killed the man. It doesn’t take me long to empty my stomach considering the amount of food in there. It hasn’t been that long since I had a full meal.

I never would have thought my life would have turned out this way. A fifteen-year-old boy shouldn’t be trying to kill full-grown men on a full stomach. He should be home playing video games. Like I was only one week ago.

WITH KELLEY'S COMMENTARY:

I take a deep breath and settle the crosshairs on the man I’m about to shoot. I’ve made this shot hundreds, if not thousands, of times.

((Paragraph)) Okay, not in real life just only in video games. I’ve never killed a man before. I've never even been in a fist fight before, but now I'm about to kill a man. I’m on the verge of killing a man. A man who deserves to die. This man has killed before. This evil man has killed fathers, brothers, sisters, and mothers. This horrible man definitely deserves to die. ((I like the feel this is going for, but the words are falling a little flat. 'the man' and 'killed' are repeated so many times they start to lose their impact.))

I try to relax. knowing I need to make this shot count, but relaxing is easier said than done. I try to imagine it like a video game. “Just playing a game. Shooting a bunch of pixels. Not shooting flesh and blood.” The trigger moves backwards and this man’s life draws closer and closer to ending. Just as I’m sure my gun should fire, the man’s head explodes in a spray of blood and brains.

I drop my rifle and vomit into the bushes besides me, not even worrying about who killed the man. ((Again, repetition of words.)) It doesn’t take me long to empty my stomach considering the amount of food in there. It hasn’t been that long since I had a full meal.

I never would have thought my life would have turned out this way. A fifteen-year-old boy shouldn’t be trying to kill full-grown men on a full stomach. He should be home playing video games. Like I was only one week ago. ((I really do think this has good potential, but the writing needs some work. Overuse of words makes them lose impact quickly. Try to smooth out the writing and focus in on how the MC is feeling. He says he's trying to relax, but we get no insight into how he's feeling internally, physically. "My hands are cold and clammy and won't stop quaking. I'm caught between breathing too hard and not feeling like I'm breathing enough, and all I can do to try steadying my nerves is to remind myself—this is a bad guy. He's murdered people. Husbands, wives, sons, daughters. What I'm doing is nothing more than serving justice." If you ditch the overused phrases, you'll be able to get more into these 250 words and therefore have a better chance of hooking attention!))