tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7202274659436317634.post3006359123340612294..comments2023-12-02T05:59:27.143-05:00Comments on YAtopia: First 250 Words Work Shop: #Y3 - Susan LyonsSM Johnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03546994863993080465noreply@blogger.comBlogger3125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7202274659436317634.post-33212227855369626052012-03-27T16:11:51.185-04:002012-03-27T16:11:51.185-04:00And you can invent words...like unmique, or just g...And you can invent words...like unmique, or just get in a hurry and not spell check like *this girl* with fat fingers :DAmberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00368485571268832781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7202274659436317634.post-70383369268546213622012-03-27T16:08:36.356-04:002012-03-27T16:08:36.356-04:00I thought the opening was too TELLY. I would rearr...I thought the opening was too TELLY. I would rearrange and cut it to read like this.... <br /><br />'“We’re almost there.” Gabriel pointed to the GPS screen on the dashboard of the car. He had FM satellite radio tuned to a jazz station out of New Orleans. “Just making sure you’re ready, in case someone tipped them off.”<br /><br />I pumped my shotgun and smiled at his reflection in the rear view mirror. “Locked and loaded.” <br /><br />He shook his head. Gabriel thought it was wrong for someone only (____?what age) –especially a girl – to be a hunter(.) (B)ut even he had to admit we were important to the war effort. <br /><br />We headed up the interstate to Massachusett's coast, on our way to hunt aliens in small-town America. <br /><br />I stuffed a handful of bullets in my vest pocket. The genegineers made me a crack shot, which came in handy when going up against aliens – 'pods' as we called them. The neural connections in their human hosts were faster than normal. Too fast for the average person.<br /><br />Luckily, I wasn’t average.<br /><br />Gabriel sat in the driver’s seat, one arm out the open window, wind blowing his dark hair around.' <br /><br />That's just my 2 cents. I'd lose the rest, and fill in with the smell of smoke in the air and tell us how you had to burn the aliens--or wherever else your imagination takes you(I just like smoke for darker scenes:) but, maybe pick one sense...smell, or sound and give us something unmique about her surroundings. And be careful of when she cocks the gun. If a gun is cocked and loaded- she shouldn't be checking it... it could go off. You should mention how she makes sure once it's cocked to keep it aimed away from herself and Gabriel. Hope this helped :)Amberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00368485571268832781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7202274659436317634.post-78388783102831004442012-03-27T09:50:09.234-04:002012-03-27T09:50:09.234-04:00Really strong voice here -- I love the casual, con...Really strong voice here -- I love the casual, conversational style. This seems like a great opening and a powerful concept, good luck with your writing Susan! :)E.Mareehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17283073495361530535noreply@blogger.com