tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7202274659436317634.post3984273287611042142..comments2023-12-02T05:59:27.143-05:00Comments on YAtopia: First 250 Words Work Shop: #Y9 - Jamie CorriganSM Johnstonhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03546994863993080465noreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7202274659436317634.post-71356377917547891172012-03-31T21:19:34.534-04:002012-03-31T21:19:34.534-04:00I had a few other suggestions.
One- if she think...I had a few other suggestions. <br /><br />One- if she thinks people are staring at her then she wouldn't talk to herself out loud. I felt that should just be an internal thought.<br /><br />Second- If a super-hot, random guy calls her, she should look around, paranoid and certain he is not talking to her. I felt that would be the natural reaction. So when she jumped up and walked over, super confident...I knew it was too easy and some pretty girl was going to step out. And she did. So be careful to make sure you stick with natural movements and not 'scripted for the story' movements. <br /><br />I would have preffered for her to simply ask...'Are you talking to me?'--then they could laugh at her. <br /><br />And third- 'a sexy(,) smooth voice rang out'--- 'Rang out' seems to me like a loud sound. It seems more like he'd be behind her and this should be a quiet, just between them, conversation (And there should be a comma between 2 seperate descriptions. If you want it to be a single description it should be 'a sexy(-)smooth voice' which might work in this instance.<br /><br />Good luck, hope this helps.Amberhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00368485571268832781noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7202274659436317634.post-35812613035029974762012-03-31T06:44:12.236-04:002012-03-31T06:44:12.236-04:00Sorry - I've been really naughty and not putti...Sorry - I've been really naughty and not putting my name to the critiques. Mine are the purple ones =DSM Johnstonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03546994863993080465noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7202274659436317634.post-31088347156786060432012-03-30T19:30:38.026-04:002012-03-30T19:30:38.026-04:00I agree that it also threw me that she went from n...I agree that it also threw me that she went from not knowing what her stalker looks like, to walking straight over to a stranger. Kind of conflicting tone and actions for me, with the dead body memory, a stalker, and typical high school hijinks. Not sure who critted today, but I think their suggestion of an opening sentence is worth playing with.Angelica R. Jacksonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09448717076699744259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7202274659436317634.post-46303530847913671932012-03-30T17:04:35.234-04:002012-03-30T17:04:35.234-04:00Thank you for your critique. That opening line has...Thank you for your critique. That opening line has been the death of me, but I think I've about got it figured out. Thank you so much for doing this. All of you! I'm going to take what you've said and work on it until it shines. Thanks again! :)Jamie Corriganhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11837319723353425561noreply@blogger.com